that I'm not very smart.
Okaaaay, I'm smart- where I've gotten myself thus far is a little tricky without some semblance of a head on your shoulders, but as far as the important stuff is concerned I lack (or lost) something.
By important stuff I suppose I mean the move-and-shake brains, the spark and ignition of creativity. Being able to express the crazy ideas that just get caught in the cobwebs for people like me. I feel as though I am able to detect genius and appreciate it, but its not the sort of thing I can relate to on a personal level. I'm a bit... minuscule in comparison, I guess. I'm a fog, a clutter, and I think its getting worse.
I'll probably never be able to string together my convictions to make anything astounding- if not because of my shortcomings then because I am crippled by intimidation. That's been really hard to come to terms with in a world clinging to individual promise- but it's now quite clear that fate and the individual are not always in sync with one another, despite the potential for greatness.
Should I feel satisfaction knowing my limitations? Or should I take all of that well-wishing and greeting card advice and refuse to settle? Settle for what? I imagine hundreds of scenarios for my future every day, they're on autopilot, but which is worth striving for?
Personal accounting- I have tried so hard to prioritize and categorize my skills, interests, capabilities, and goals but they all add up to a haze, a crapshoot of a life. Its who I know, being at the right place at the right time, luck and serendipity. I'm not too thrilled about that, to be honest. I want to work hard and be able to gain some kind of personal fulfillment from it. Is that really too much to ask?
Maybe this recognition is my best defense. Then again maybe not. All I know right now is that I have an early morning ahead of me.
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